That’s what I feel like these days. I feel as if there’s some wall in front of me that I can’t seem to break through. My prayers feel hindered and I feel isolated, and honestly, I feel pretty forsaken. For as many years as I’ve walked closely with Jesus, I have never experienced this specifically. I’ve had days when I might feel more distant, but this season is significant, as if some spiritual darkness is hovering above me, maybe even surrounding me. I can’t break through.

Since I’m not the only one to ever have this sense, I’m perfectly comfortable in putting this out there. I’m stuck and don’t know how to take the next step forward. I want to be transparent while blogging and I know if I only share the mountain top moments then I’ll never truly relate to my readers. Life is hard, struggles are common, and sorrows are real for us all. So if I can’t share in my sorrow, what’s the point? If I can’t be real then I can’t have a real impact on people.

Feel. Notice in the first paragraph how many times I said feel? I know the heart lies; feelings lie. I know God hears my prayers, I’m not alone, and I’m not forsaken. I know that. Just because I feel that way doesn’t make it true. Man! If we could only get that one truth about feelings we would all be in better shape spiritually. What I feel isn’t true, but I’m still struggling, and I still need a breakthrough. Or maybe rather than a breakthrough I need a hand up.

Recently, while visiting with my precious friend who has a critically ill son, I gave her a verse that came to mind. “With my God I can scale a wall.” (Psalm 18:29)That’s what she’s looking at with her son, this huge wall of recovery ahead. What was really interesting, though, was that the very next morning, in my daily devotion, I was led to a parallel location of that exact verse. 2 Samuel 22 is almost an exact do-over of Psalm 18. So what are the chances, huh? That’s not a common verse, so for me to quote it one day and then be led to it the following day was no coincidence. That verse was for me too.

I’ve been looking to break through a wall when I simply need to go over it. I’ve been waiting for some explanation of why the wall is there and how to dismantle it. Instead, I need to scale the wall. I need to trust that this will make sense someday and still keep moving forward. I hate being stuck. I hate lack of progress. So with my God, I will scale this wall. I will get back to the basic truths: He loves me. He will never leave me nor forsake me. He intends good for me. He has a plan. I need to trust. Those are all very simple statements, yet collectively, they are the very foundation of my faith and life.

With my God, I can scale this wall.

There are probably about as many answers to that question as there are individuals who ask it. For each of us, the answer differs.

Jeremiah 2:27b says, “They have turned their backs to me and not their faces yet when they are in trouble, they say, ‘Come and save us.’”

Imagine God sitting on His throne looking out at His bride (you), and what He sees is your back and not your face. Many, if not most women spend their entire Christian walk looking at the world to fill them rather than to God. I know I did and still do at times. There is a simple reason for this – we don’t believe Jesus is enough. Few would ever dare admit such a thing, but the truth is that most of us regularly have our eyes gazing toward the world and what it offers. Sure, we want Jesus, but we want Jesus plus. Jesus + our family. Jesus + the perfect life. Jesus + a successful career. Jesus + more of _______________. Only you can fill in this blank. You know what your + is.

If you had only Jesus, would that be enough? That’s a pretty frightening question. Don’t you secretly fear that if you say He’s enough then He might make you prove it and take away the rest? When He truly becomes enough, even that question will not have the power over you it once did.

It stands to reason that a face can only be pointing in one direction at one time. You are either looking at God or at the world. If you are looking back and forth, that will only serve to make you dizzy. No wonder the world is filled with confused Christians.

To what or who do you look to get your needs met?

Husband          Children          Home              Career             Social Media

Your Looks       Education        Parents            Money             Perfectionism

Other: __________

While this list is by no means exhaustive, it may serve to get your thoughts going. Here are a few applications of this principle: If your children behave well or are successful in school, you feel people will see you as a good mother (Good enough). If you have countless “friends” or “followers” on social media outlets, you feel liked (Good enough). If you do things perfectly, everyone will see you as someone who has it all together (Oops, good enough again). If you look thin/beautiful, once again, that makes you feel good enough.

Notice a theme? For women, ours is rarely a pursuit of power. Ours is typically a striving for acceptance and worth. We want to feel valuable. Instead of receiving our value from our position in Christ, which is fully accepted in the Beloved (Eph. 1:6 NKJV), we hope that somehow, someway, the things of this world will make us feel what we desperately need to feel, good enough or of value.

• To whom do you turn when things go wrong/right?
• Do your feelings rise and fall based on the opinion of others?
• If you had more money or possessions, do you think that would make you happier?
• Do you constantly want that “something” and then once you get it, find it was not quite as fulfilling as it promised to be – then you move on to the next thing?

The main question you need to answer is this: Is Jesus enough, or am I looking to other things or people to fulfill me? Spend time today pondering this question. If you need to, take a few days. Pray and ask Him to show you what you look to for fulfillment and happiness.

I would have never thought what I write could be considered controversial, yet as I read reviews on some of my books, I guess you can call it nothing less. One recent review on UtV stated: “Interesting read..somewhat scared that the message will encourage abusers to try to fix relationships they destroyed in the name of God.”

If you’ve read this book, you know the guy served five years for his crimes, was healed from PTSD, stopped drinking, and found Jesus – not as if Jesus was misplaced, but I love the terms we Christians use. Plus, for years and years before, Mike wasn’t an abuser. For a season, he was terribly sick and broken, and as a result acted totally out of his usual character. As I think about the reviewer’s “fears,” I’m wondering, where is grace in all that? Seriously, it’s not okay for a woman to forgive and return to a man who poses no danger? This is not the only person to make this statement. A group of educators did the Bible study and from what I heard, this was a common fear. These are Christian woman who should know that God is capable of transformation, so why is the concept of healing, true transformation, and restoration of a marriage at all controversial?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating this as if we’re watching an episode of Cops. If a man knocks his wife around and comes back the next day or next week promising he’ll never do it again, obviously, that’s not enough time elapsed for this to be safe or advisable for the woman to even consider. But after five years and a total life transformation? Come on! I believe any woman who feels led by God toward the restoration of a marriage under these circumstances can and should. For any woman who does not, then don’t. I just don’t think we should label any man or marriage a lost cause until God says so.

I suppose at the end of this, I’m left wondering about the hearts of women who think that it should never, ever be considered again. Have they never been extended the kind of obvious, life transforming grace I have? Is any man beyond redemption once Jesus gets a hold of his heart?

Oh the hypocrisy of my heart, though. If this would have been a child molester, I’d likely have an entirely different perspective. Because I’ve been affected by this sin, I know my heart feels much less able to extend grace. Maybe that’s why some feel Mike and Robin’s reunion is something to be feared, because they have been affected by spousal abuse. So to them, I’m extending grace. It’s okay if you don’t agree with what I write. Actually, your reviews cause me to ponder the deep things of God and to really consider what I believe of Him, so for me, that’s a positive result from a negative comment.

Ultimately, God is still in the grace business and we should be too.