I’m introspective, always in my own head. Recently, I’ve had to ask myself and pray about this: Am I all about me, myself, and I? Am I too much in my head and not enough about others? As I pondered on this, I realized that what I write and talk to groups about most are outcomes of these introspections. I teach based on what God has taught me about me and my relationship with Him and others. Ultimately, these introspections are from Him, for His use to ultimately flow to others. Having come to that understanding, I realize I just need to go with it, be who I am, and allow God to use my in-my-headness for His purpose.

Since I’m my own worst critic, it is in my nature to turn His gift (my introspective way of processing life) into something selfish, negative, or sinful. Because I’m crazy, self-defeating me, I assume that something that comes naturally for me can’t be right. I’m not sure why this revelation has come during this season, but it’s as if God has opened my eyes to His plan for my over-active, over-thinking mind. I love that He loves me exactly as I am – even though He still has plans to continue my sanctification and growth with Him. I need to learn this lesson and carry it forward, not just “get it” for the moment. It’s okay to be who I am. I was His idea.

So for you, have you looked within to see how you’re distinctly shaped and what your specific gifts are? Do you belittle your gifts as if they are “lesser” than others who seem to be exceptionally gifted? This may be something to ponder on and work through with your Creator, who intended you to be the uniquely you that you are.

Joy and Peace,

Lisa

Discouragement doesn’t take much for me. It may not last long, but I’m easily persuaded that I’m a big loser. No matter how much I accomplish on any given day, by the end of the day, I find the least little thing can rob me of all the good. Recently, over the past month or so, I’ve learned to call this internal voice After 9:00 Lisa. She’s negative and self-depreciating. I don’t care too much for her and am learning to ignore her once she begins.

If I’m feeling as if I didn’t do enough, write enough, or juggle as many balls in the air as I should have that day, After 9:00 Lisa starts in. She asks me why I can’t I be like other moms and do more with my son or be a better homeschool mom or keep my house cleaner or spend more time with my mom or why I take every short-cut imaginable when cooking dinner because I just don’t love cooking. Actually, I do kinda like to cook when I have plenty of time, but it’s always a last minute mad dash to get food on the table because I’m totally absorbed in work or ministry. Who can like that day after day? What I’m doing is all good stuff, so why do I feel so guilty that I’m not doing enough good stuff?

After 9:00 Lisa totally gets on my nerves.

It may not be hard to figure out why I call her After 9:00 Lisa. It’s almost always after 9:00 p.m. when her voice begins to echo in my head. I’ve become so aware of her and how she intends to deflate me, that when she begins, I glance at the clock and say to myself, “Oh, that’s just After 9:00 Lisa.” I tune her out and go about the business of getting ready for bed or whatever I’m doing.

My point is this: we all have our most vulnerable moments, those times when we are most susceptible to criticism and feel easily defeated. For the longest time, when those accusations would come, I would take them to bed with me and snuggle with them. I would try to figure out how I could squeeze more hours into my next day just to get more accomplished. How self-defeating that was since I didn’t go to sleep with any kind of peace. Typically, if I tossed and turned with After 9:00 Lisa’s voice in my head, then I would wake with far less energy than going to sleep in peace.

All this to say: we have to avoid that internal dialogue that reminds us of all the ways we don’t measure up. I’m doing as much as I can and more. So I’m cutting myself some slack. I pray through what has to be done vs. what the ideal is. I don’t have it all together, especially here lately. I’m cautious of making any decisions or plans after 9:00 p.m. since that girl can’t be trusted. I suggest you do the same. Cut yourself some slack when you’re not on your best game. Prioritize with eternal perspective. Get to know the sound of your discourager and learn to tune her out.

Last month was VBS at my church. Love me some VBS. Actually, when I first began going to my church sixteen years ago, come spring time, someone asked me, “Are you signing up for VBS.” My response: “What’s VBS?” I soon discovered it’s a week with our campus covered in excited and sweaty kids. From that year forward, VBS has been one of my favorite weeks of the entire year. Love it!!

This year, with my partner Sheri, we taught 5^th and 6^th grade – my favorite age for VBS. It’s those last ditch efforts to help them get to know Jesus before getting thrown into the world of middle-school life and boyfriends/girlfriends and major life temptations. I feel this sense of urgency as I teach, probably more so than when I teach grown women. These guys still can choose the right path.

So the point of this: Throughout the week, the topic often came up about how deciding on your friends at this age is so critical. On the last day with them, as I was closing things out, someone came to mind: Judy Bryan. I told them about her and how she and her family took me to church while we were friends. I would go and spend the night with her and go to church on Sunday mornings. During that season, that was about the only exposure I got.

Then we started getting a little older, and I decided there were cooler kids that I wanted to hang out with. As I admitted to my VBS class, I left Judy in the dust, something that was one of the most pivotal mistakes I made back then. I ended up walking with the wrong crowd and making decisions that would affect me for the remainder of my life. I should have stuck with Judy.

The better point of this: Later that Friday night after VBS, I thought of Judy again, the same things I’ve thought a hundred times over the years. I wish I would have made a different decision. And I always wondered how that made her feel all those years ago. When she came to mind again the next morning, I decided to find out what became of her and messaged her on Facebook. I thanked her for how she and her mom showed me Jesus, and I apologized for leaving her behind for a not-so-good crowd.

The outcome? We met Wednesday for breakfast. Ha! She even insisted on paying. She’s this super sweet wife and mom now – not so surprising. She even bakes bread for goodness sake! We talked as if no time has gone by at all. She’s reading my books and may be making gluten free bread for me. I would have never even suspected how things could so easily fall back into place with us.

What I know? God can restore that which is left behind. I’m thankful for this new old friendship.